My husband has never given me an orgasm

Dear Pastor,

For a long time, I have been reading your column in THE STAR. I like your frankness and I have learnt much.

I have been married for six years, but I started having sex before I was married. I am now 26 and my husband and I have a one-year-old child. When my girlfriends tell me how much they enjoy orgasms, I don't even understand what they are talking about because I have never experienced one. I told my close friends and they were amazed. But they also laughed at me. I felt ashamed, so I have never discussed it with anyone else. I know when my man ejaculates because I can feel it, and many times during sex, he asks me if I am enjoying it and I tell him yes. Sometimes he asks me if I climaxed and I say yes.

I have experienced orgasms, but I have to do it by myself. I went to Atlanta and stayed with my sister. She said that her husband is not always at home, because of his job. This sister and I are very close, so I asked her what she does when she wants sex. She went into her dresser and pulled out two different types of sex toys and she said, "These are what I use." I asked her if her husband was aware that she is using them, and she said he encourages her to use them. She gave me one and said, "Use this while you are here." I told her no, but she insisted.

I took the vibrator from her. She said it didn't bother her if I stayed in her room or went into the guest room. My sister is a nurse, so when she was on night duty, I decided to try it and it did not take me long to experience a climax. I did it twice that evening. When she got home, I was sleeping, but I could not wait to tell her, "Sister, it worked." I never thought that I would use such an instrument because in my church, all sex toys are condemned. I have not told my husband what I did, but I would like to experience orgasms while making love to him. To tell him now might cause him to believe that I went with another man while I was in Atlanta.

This is the only thing I miss as a married woman. I have a perfect husband. He provides everything for me, although I am working and I earn my own money. He is a great father. But he gets all the pleasure when we make love. Please tell me how to handle this matter.

I.J.

Dear I.J.,

I suggest that you stop lying to your husband. Stop giving him the impression that you love to have sex with him.

I want you to know that there are many women who have not experienced orgasms from having sexual intercourse. Some men do not stimulate their wives enough for them to experience orgasms. Some men are in so much of a hurry, it is like 'hitting it' and getting over with it. On the other hand, not all women enjoy lovemaking. I remember a woman telling me that she doesn't like a man playing with her body. If a man is going to have sex, it's just sex, and that's it. Such a person doesn't know if sex is to be enjoyable. There are some parts of a woman's body that should be stimulated, and it takes a woman much longer to be truly ready for sex. A man can learn from a woman; she can tell him where she loves to be touched.

Your sister gave you a vibrator and I am sure that by using that vibrator in certain areas of your body, you felt so good. Can you imagine if your husband was with you? You would go wild! I wonder if you would take the risk to pretend that he is a vibrator. You would surely experience orgasms. You have suffered in silence for too long, so tell your husband the truth, and that you shared thoughts with your sister, who allowed you to use her vibrator, and you would like him to buy you one. He might not agree to do so, but he might want both of you to do the things that you have not done, so that you can experience orgasm.

Before I go, let me say that I am not condemning what you did. But sex toys, such as the vibrator that your sister loaned you, should not be shared with anybody. Only the owner should use the toy.

Pastor