My wife hiding her body from me

Dear Pastor,

This is the second time I am writing to you. I tried to call you on your radio show, but the lines are always busy. I am in a situation that has caused me to seek your help.

I was once married, but my wife and I broke up. She divorced me and it took me a long time to get over her. We have two children together. She has the children. I am 45 years old.

The church we attended took her side. She told the church that I was unfaithful to her, but that was not true. The church is controlled by mostly women, so I started to attend another church. I have fallen in love with a woman, who is much younger than I am.

I helped her to finish her college training. We never slept together before we got married. Even after we got engaged, I could not tell you if she was male or female. I had never seen her in the nude.

The night after we got married, I was looking forward to being close to my wife for the first time. I prepared myself, but she asked me to turn off the lights. I asked her why, and she said she would prefer if we made love in the dark. I respected her wishes, turned off the lights, and she quickly crawled under the sheets. I had to feel my way toward her.

I told her, "We're married now--what's this about?" She said she felt uncomfortable and didn't want me to see her body.

She also told me that she was a virgin and asked me to be gentle. To be honest, the first and second nights were very difficult. I tried to be patient and understanding. I also showed her my vulnerability, hoping it would make her feel more at ease. I even suggested that we try making love during the daytime to help her get over her fear.

It has been taking a long time for my wife to relax and allow me to engage with her as her husband. Whenever she get up from the bed, she wraps a sheet around her. It is now three months since we got married, and I am still having problems with this woman. Now she is telling me that she does not like sex. I tried having oral sex with her, and she pushed me away.

I do not want to discuss these problems with our pastor because he is a young man, and that is the reason why I am asking you to give me your advice.

I am ashamed to say that I have gone back to what I used to do after my wife and I broke up, and that is to masturbate. I know it is not right for me to have a young wife and not get any satisfaction from her.

H.S,

Dear H.S,

You and this woman have been married for three months; it is time for her to settle down. Perhaps neither of you sought pre-marital counselling. I am assuming nobody told her what to expect after getting married. You did not state her age, but she is younger than you, and she had inhibitions, which is why she did not want you to look at her in the nude.

If she had counselling, she would have been told that after marriage, her body, in a sense, would belong to her man, and his body would belong to her, and there is nothing to be ashamed of when two people are married and in love with each other.

I recall a conversation I had about a year ago while at the headquarters of a religious organisation in the United States. One of the missionaries proudly claimed that he had never seen his wife naked. At first, I thought he was joking--but he was quite serious. He believed that looking at his wife in the nude was disrespectful to her. Not long after, that marriage fell apart.

I share this to emphasise how damaging misunderstandings or discomfort around intimacy can be in a marriage.It's not too late for you and your wife. I strongly recommend that you both seek counselling. I understand it might feel uncomfortable to approach your young pastor, but there are many qualified marriage counsellors available. Please consider making that step together.

Even if you do not go the right away, I am going to recommend a book to you right now that you should try and read, it is titled 'Intended for Pleasure', written by Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat. Buy that book and give it to your wife.

Don't give up on your wife, but I must warn you that the relationship is in danger. I know it is because now, she is telling you that she does not enjoy sex. I am sure you do not want your marriage to fail, so do your best to keep it together.

Pastor