Having seconds thoughts about my fiancé

October 07, 2022

Dear Pastor,

I am in my 20s and I am engaged to be married. My boyfriend is in his late 30s. I found out that he is still having a relationship with one of his babymothers. He told me that it is not true, and he only talks to her because of their child.

I saw his payslip and asked him what he did with his money. He became angry and he said I had no right to be questioning him. I told him I have a right because he tells me that we should not hide anything from each other. He then said that I should explain everything I do with my money. I told him I don't have any problem doing so.

I do not have children, but I support my parents. There are three of us grown children, but only two of us are working. I was very upset when this man told me that I am spending too much money on my parents. I try to give my parents enough money to take them through the month, and I send them groceries from time to time.

This man does not give his parents anything. He said his father did not support him. Well my father supported me.

We plan to move in together before our wedding, but I am beginning to wonder whether that is a good idea. He is nothing like when we first met. He used to give me anything I asked for. At that time, I did not know that he had multiple children. He has three children, but one of his baby- mothers is always pestering him for money. He sees her every week.

I need help in this relationship. I need to find out if I should end the relationship. When I got angry with him, he told me I couldn't leave him because no man has ever sexed me so well. What do you think is the right amount of money for a man to give his child's mother to take care of their baby?

My boyfriend thinks that he is fooling me, but he is not. He likes to have sex, but sometimes when he comes to visit me, he is tired. The moment he lies down, he falls asleep and I let him sleep. When he gets up it is time for him to go. He does not sleep here because when I rented this place, the landlady told me that I can have a male visitor, but she doesn't want my visitor to sleep over because she is a Christian. So sometimes I go without sex for three weeks. I know he is getting it from somebody else, and it has to be the young woman.

I don't want to continue in a relationship with a man I cannot trust.

My ex-boyfriend was a womaniser, and I broke up with him for that very reason. When I met this man, I thought he was different. I have tried to protect myself from allowing him to get me pregnant. I am not with this man for him to support me. I have a good job, but I cannot have him spending his money on other women. I am making National Housing Trust contributions and he said that he is contributing to the Trust as well. However, I don't feel I should buy a house with him.


Dear R..,

I know for sure that you are a thinking woman. What is he doing with his money? If he did not want you to know how much he earns, he should have kept his payslip private and not allow you to see it. You saw it and nothing is wrong in questioning him about his expenditure.

Let us face it, if a man has many children, it will cost him a lot to support them. Some men brag about the number of children that they have, but in doing so, they don't talk about how much it costs to support them. One reason they don't is because they fail to support them. It is very easy for a man to impregnate a woman. The big problem is to maintain that child.

You are wondering right now whether it makes sense to continue in the relationship. It is something to seriously think about. You are the only one who can decide whether you should continue or end it. The days of sweet talking you are over. You would like not only to get married, but to purchase a home. If you were to do so jointly with him, then he would have a big say in your property. So if you were to marry this man, you should get legal advice.

You say this man is always tired when he comes to see you, and he likes to make love. Your suspicion might be correct, but I will leave that there. I repeat, you are a thinking woman, don't do anything stupid.

I wish you well, take care.


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