I was hypnotised, raped and made pregnant
I live in the UK and I am a regular reader of your column. I have a problem because my childhood suffering will not go away. I would like to share my story, hoping that it will prevent others from going through what I did.
I was a schoolgirl when I was made pregnant without my knowledge. Yes, I mean knowledge, not consent. I was hypnotised, raped and made pregnant. If I wasn't for the grace of God, I would be completely ignorant of how this could have happened. It would appear to be an immaculate conception.
I remember that night when I could not breathe. It was like a heavy cloud overshadowed me. I was suffocating. God gave me the strength to pull myself up in the bed to get some air to breathe. At that very moment, I heard my cousin ask me if he could come on top of me. My reply was no. I was no longer unconscious, so I knew that he did not do it.
When my cousin finished college, he came to Kingston to seek employment. His uncle, who is my father, took him in. He frequently talked about how he could hypnotise women and do whatever he liked with them without them knowing. Pastor, that is exactly what he did to me. I don't know how many times my cousin raped my unconscious body. If I wasn't for that one occasion, I would never know I became pregnant. I was still a virgin. At the time of my miscarriage, it was discovered that my hymen was still intact. He raped me from the back and his sperm entered my body.
I was an innocent child who didn't know what sexual intercourse was. My cousin was seven years my senior. My parents were separated. I had only lived with my father for about a year. I was neglected in a bad way by him. When it was discovered that I was pregnant, my father threw me out and gave me money to return to my mother.
Saying that I suffered would be an understatement. I was scorned and despised by many because I was pregnant. I was seen as a curse. My father, who caused my suffering -- he did so by allowing his grown-up nephews to sleep on the same bed with me -- was the worst. Another of his nephews, who was six years my senior, molested me while I was asleep. I told my father, but nothing was said or done about it. However, that cousin did not try it again. I was seen as a bad girl, the culprit. These adults think children do what they do. I was judged based on their own sexual experiences. This was completely wrong. Children are children. When I tried to speak to my father about my own bed, he said it was my mother's sin that was following me. He could afford to let me have my own room and bed. In those days, he owned several properties in Kingston.
I could never understand why my father asked my mother to let me come to live with him. On one occasion, my father said he could stop me from attending school. The hardest thing is that no one wanted to know the truth. They were happy to engage in issuing blame. I was held responsible for the wicked act of an adult. Pastor, I learned from an early age that Christ cannot bear the cross alone, and all the world go free.
Please include me in your prayers so I will be able to block these worries from my thoughts. Thank you for listening to me, and may God help you to continue your good work.
I can understand that what happened in the past has haunted you. What you have suffered should not be brushed aside. Some people would say you should just forget these things; but what you really need is therapy, and you have never received it.
You have a father who behaved as if he did not care, and a mother who was very careless. I have observed that you live in the UK. I suggest that you try and make an appointment with a psychologist. You probably need to undergo psychotherapy. I want you to learn to forgive yourself, because I get the impression that you are also blaming yourself for what has happened to you.
Your cousin should have been arrested and taken to court. He is a two-footed beast, and if he continues to hypnotise women, he is going to meet a bitter end. Please continue to pray, but at the same time try to get some help from a psychologist. Let me hear from you again.